Cinematic Titanic: War of the Insects

Starship Troopers is the tale of young trooper Johnny Rico, played by Casper Van Dien, star of this and...well, some direct to video sequels of this, mostly. He’s joined in the war by Denise Richards, impossible to believe as a gifted starship pilot long before she was impossible to believe as a gifted nuclear scientist in that Bond movie. He’s also joined by the great Neil Patrick Harris, who is somehow much easier to believe as an intelligence officer with psychic abilities that help him communicate with the giant bug aliens. Throw in Michael Ironside, because duh, it’s a war movie, you’re gonna need Michael Ironside, and Jake Busey, because duh, he just showed up on set and wouldn’t leave, add a love triangle, heaps of alien splatter, and you’ve got the sprawling, great, goofy mess that is Starship Troopers! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this gorilla-gram free version of the blockbuster live show!

Dr. Clayton Forrester figures he can rule the world if he deadens his subjects' brains by making them endure terrible movies. Exploiting his access to nearby satellite-dwellers Mike Nelson and his robot pals, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, Forrester makes them watch "This Island Earth", a cheesy 1950s spaceship film. But when Mike and friends make funny comments throughout the movie and others that follow, Forrester's plan looks increasingly flimsy.

In the first national broadcast of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the Mads have moved into Deep 13, Joel has spruced up the Bots, and Forrest Tucker sleepwalks his way through this week's literally eye-popping film.

The Escodero family is cursed!The mother, whom the Escodero children assumed to be dead, is actually an undead vampire who lurks in a secret basement/dungeon hidden from the rest of the house. When the kids discover this dark truth, all hell breaks loose...literally! The mother bites the son, who grows fangs and becomes consumed with blood lust. Meanwhile, all this vampire activity wreaks havoc on the daughter's romance with her handsome, dashing fiance. It all leads to a foray into the occult that ultimately proves true love can live on forever, but not before a mob of angry villagers and avenging priests take on the Devil himself in a climactic battle between good and evil. Set in nineteenth century Mexico and performed by a Filipino cast, "Blood of the Vampires" has something for everyone: blood-soaked action for the guys, tender romance for the ladies, and unleashed demonic rage for the frightened child within us all.

In the show's first-ever Halloween special and first-ever 3D episode, Jonah and the 'Bots watch The Mask (1961).

American spies discover the Chinese have built a weapon capable of destroying planet Earth, a "doomsday machine" if you will, and that they plan to use it within a matter of days. Will the human race survive?

In the far-off land of Kalid, President Amir lies on his deathbed. If this revered head-of-state dies, the brutal dictatorship that he has so lovingly cultivated will fall into a dark age of uncertainty and chaos. And so, in this moment of crisis, his loyal staff are left with no alternative but to choose the only logical and sensible course of action—to transfer Amir's brain into a younger, healthier, and most importantly, living body. Enter Doctor Robert Trenton, a mad scientist of the traditional 'they all laughed at me and now I'll show them' school. He, along with his assistant, Dorro, a little man with a big appetite for evil, and Tracy, a conniving beauty with a heart that's harder than her leathery, over-tanned skin, concoct a deliriously diabolical plan involving murder, body-napping, skullduggery, and oozy, gooey brains.

Joel and his faithful robot companions celebrate Thanksgiving by scarfing down a chopped up Captain Scarlet serial repackaged as a TV film.

Today's experiment features real humans from Japan and a budget that must've been tens of dollars.

The historic first meeting between Gamera and the crew of the Satellite of Love.

Crow is a frozen Christmas tree and Tom is busy, so Joel has to watch the original Gamera film all by himself.

In between tending to some sick vacuum-flowers, Joel Hodgson and his robot buddy Crow begin their first movie-riffing experiment aboard the Satellite of Love.

The Mads present the satellite people a film so bad that apologies are sent, and Tom Servo goes off his nut from it.

Deep in the Mexican jungle, a legendary creature lurks in a radioactive swamp. Is it a man? Is it an octopus? No, it’s OCTAMAN! Okay, it’s a man in an octopus suit, but he’s really angry and decides to go on a light killing spree.

The power goes out on the SOL, to which Servo and Crow take full advantage of by looting the satellite. Pearl unveils her plan to take over the world one person at a time and spontaneously starts off with Servo. While dealing with bad cases of Hockey Hair (to which Mike is conveniently immune), Servo defends Canada's honor with a song of tribute, which eventually turns violent when Mike and Crow join in. Mike's immunity to Hockey Hair leads to a case of Grizzled Old Prospector Syndrome and the bots form a muffin-based sewing circle cult while still remembering the need for human sacrifices. Meanwhile, Pearl almost takes over her first follower before he's suddenly taken over by the Traveler's Group.

From the strange and ridiculously colorful world of K. Gordon Murray comes the 1959 Holiday classic Santa Claus. Made in Mexico and dubbed into glorious English, Santa Claus tells the story of, well, Santa Claus, who lives in a big white castle above us in Geosynchronous Orbit and watches over us all in a way that would make the NSA jealous. It’s Christmas Eve, and on Earth poor little Lupita wishes for a doll. Santa hears her wish and prepares for his yearly visit, helped by the heavily medicated Merlin the Wizard and Santa’s unintentionally creepy mechanical reindeer.

Mike and the Bots learn the ins and outs of the thrilling world of grocery store refrigeration in The Selling Wizard (1954). Afterward, a scientist claims to have invented a machine that allows him to communicate with a recently murdered socialite in The Dead Talk Back (1994). Mike and the Bots host their own radio show called "The Dead Talk Back," and Gypsy starts a fire drill on the SOL.

For the Invention Exchange, Joel presents a safety device for motorcyclists. The Mads, anticipating the Mad Scientists' Convention, show off their device for getting rid of unwanted guests. For the day's experiment, Joel and the bots are forced to watch the first tedious chapter of "Radar Men from the Moon" (1952), with Commander Cody, as Joel explains to Tom Servo what a serial is. Their feature film is the cheesy Mexican horror flick, "The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy" (1958). Meanwhile, the threesome do their best to fend off an attack on the Satellite of Love by demon dogs, who are attracted to the spaceship's bone-like shape.

Things get a bit randy in this version of Mary Shelley's immortal classic about... immortality. Just as our resident mad scientist is about to bring his creature back to life, he is forced to use a sub-standard brain. The Cinematic Titanic crew offer more hilarious commentary as they set their sights on a Frankenstein's castle chock full of angry villagers, grave robbers, and skinny dippers.

The children of Mars are in a funk, and nothing on the red planet seems to be able to cheer them up. Martian King Kimar comes up with the only reasonable solution: kidnap Santa Claus from Earth's North Pole and bring him to their planet to make toys for their joyless, listless little green kids. Meanwhile, two Earth children get wise to the plan and are abducted along with Santa to prevent them from talking to the authorities. Luckily for them, Dropo, the Jerry Lewis of the fourth planet from the sun, is there to help them. The fiendish plot doesn't go according to plan, and there's plenty of intrigue, double-crossing, mistaken identity and stock footage for kids of all ages and planets to enjoy. Poorly conceived, sloppily made, and unfailingly bizarre, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is the ultimate Christmas movie-riffing classic (as fans of MST3K know) which is why Cinematic Titanic chose to revisit, re-riff, and release this holiday hamfest with all new jokes. Merry Crap-mas!